My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
