I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
