threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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