goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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