He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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