I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She's the barista slut.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
