my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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