it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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