im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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