Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
