That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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