I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
