I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
