he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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