I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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