This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just had sex on a roof
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
