I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
