So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
