On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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