i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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