I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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