Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
