What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
