After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I intend to get homeless drunk
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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