The best revenge is premature balding
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He better not be in your backpack
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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