birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
