i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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