sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
