Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
