i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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