i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You took a bar mat shot.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
