We won't sleep together?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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