Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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