so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Found the puke drawer
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
