Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
