I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
