Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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