i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
