Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
