My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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