i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
