I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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