He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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