It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
