so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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