I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize