If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
