I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
