Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
