Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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